Today I had an awful thought.
I’ve been on cloud nine, thinking how wonderful it will be to see you soon. How the word “soon” makes me grin the big stupid grin. Soon. Without the ish, even. No dates set, just soon. I feel like my heart will explode. My face hurts from smiling and then –
What if you’re just over it? What if we’ve been apart long enough for you to have made me into some fantasy that I can never live up to? What if being around me isn’t as great as you remember? What if all the things you found so charming and endearing before are annoying now?
What if my touch doesn’t raise the goosebumps it used to? What if my kiss isn’t as fantastic and breathtaking as you remember? What if it’s just not the same? What if I kiss you like I did before, pouring my soul and every desire into your mouth and you feel nothing?
I know it’s anxiety. I know it’s a form of the “what to wear” dilemma I face every time I see you. I know it’s a more extreme version of the butterflies we both feel even if we saw each other yesterday. I know that.
I know we’ve made plans. We’ve shared our hopes and dreams and laughed about how similar they are. I know I’ve made my intentions very clear and you know exactly how I feel about you. I know that you know that I want nothing more than to marry you and make you my wife. I want to raise our family together. I know that you know that no physical distance can change or weaken our bond.
I know that this distance has forced us to talk. I know that we’ve been forced to be open and honest with each other about our pasts and things we’ve been through. I feel our bond has strengthened through this. I’m forever grateful. I feel closer to you than ever, even though we’re still hundreds of miles apart. I’m more in love with you now than I’ve ever been.
And I still fall in love with you all over again every single day. Every single text message.