chemistry, emotions, fantasies, gay, I love you, kisses, lesbian, long distance, making love, marry me, my mouth, relationships, reunited, senses, sex, sparks, taking care of you, touch, why i love you
I think there’s a Nickelback song with that title… I don’t know if I’m more upset that I can’t think of a better title for this letter or that I know that.
Today is hard. It’s rainy and gloomy and cold. Perfect cuddling weather. Cuddling on the new furniture that we picked out together for our home. Cuddling in front of our new entertainment center with the built-in fireplace that we chose together. Surrounded by the pillows I made with you in mind. Our furry babies asleep at our feet, including the were-chihuahua that loves you so much.
Every day is harder. Every day I open your side of the closet and stare. I touch the towel you left hanging in the bathroom. I move your toothbrush to grab mine. I curl up around your pillow at night, sleeping in our bed, in any bed, for the first time in a long six years.
I miss you.
Every day I remind myself that we’re one day closer, that we’re another step further, that we’re moving in that direction. The direction that brings you home.
We have a joint bank account now. Joint credit cards. Soon we’ll have bills we’re both responsible for like the cell phone, Netflix, others.
Every day we bring more people into our circle. Your family and friends. Your brother.
We pick out curtains together, invest together, raise our credit scores together, buy life insurance to protect each other.
I miss you.
We spend more time together than ever. The visits are closer together with more and more time spent at home.
It’s never enough.
I can’t ever get enough of you. We rarely text anymore. I miss the sound of your voice. You can text me all day but nothing compares to you calling me at the end of your day, waking up to hear you tell me that you love me. (I think there’s a Sinead O’Connor song in that one.)
I struggle. I am struggling. I do struggle. I’ve been unable to write to you because I’m afraid of what I’ll say.
For now, just know that it’s been awhile and I miss you more than ever.
These are the hardest times. The holidays. The nights when I’m wrapping presents and stuffing stockings and I want us to be giggling quietly, trying not to wake up the kids, drinking coffee and hot chocolate, sticking tape to each other, kissing, and getting ready to wake them so early in the morning.
Our giggling turning to heavy breathing, our touches and kisses becoming more insistent. Making love to you in the sparkling lights of the Christmas tree.
Wanting you home for Christmas just once. Just once to make love to you as Christmas eve turns into Christmas day. Christmas morning with our children. Breakfast. Kielbasa and pierogis. Wrapping paper from one end of the house to the other. Giggles and laughter. Watching you open your tokens of affection from me.
Struggling with my selfishness. These are the times that are the hardest. I miss you.
All I want for Christmas is you.
It’s taken me days to process the last week. I hadn’t seen you in months until Sunday. A week ago. It feels like forever.
I missed you more than I had the words to explain. Hurricane or not, I had to be with you. I had to spend my birthday with you, the one year anniversary of you setting off on this journey.
Plans were delayed as hurricane Matthew came close to you and then bounced his way up the coast to me. Florida was not hit anywhere near as hard as North Carolina.
As soon as it was light, the rain stopped and the winds started to die down, I threw my suitcase in the car and left. I tried to avoid flooded roads and I made the 678 mile, ten hour trip in just over eleven hours safely.
Watching you walk up the block did funny things to my insides. It gave me butterflies and made my chest ache. Kissing you again felt so amazing. Our romance put on hold as we set off the car alarm and couldn’t get it to stop in the quiet neighborhood. Us giggling, giddy at the sight and smell and touch of each other, trying to quietly maneuver up the stairs and to your room, to a bed we’d never shared. You felt so good.
Walking up early, sunlight spilling in, heading out for breakfast. Taking in the sights of the quaint town that’s stolen your heart. Breakfast at Denny’s, coffee, pancakes, eggs, toast, grits, and that delicious honey jalapeno bacon.
My laptop, me working on vacation, the price I paid for taking time out of the office. You curled up next to me, having called out, snoring. You are so beautiful when you sleep.
Waking you up, taking my lunch break, walking, swinging, talking. Then back to work for me, only to look up and see so many snacks laid out on the bed for us to share. Finishing up my day, you insisting on dinner.
The car ride to dinner. The life changing, emotional car ride to dinner. Neither of us able to speak. When you handed me the box and asked me to open it a day early, not on my birthday, it was not what I expected.
I tried not to cry. I’m not sure if I did or not. It was so overwhelming and beautiful. I love you.
Disney Springs. So many shops. So much chocolate.
Dinner. Sitting there, staring at you. Trying to comprehend. I’ve never loved anything as much as I love you. Not the way I love you.
Before dinner, music and drinks and jokes about how our wedding will be. Watching you being unable to be still if there’s music playing, particularly with a strong beat. I wanted you then.
Home. In bed. Your hands around mine, fingers laced through mine, touching the ring you put on my finger. Making love with you is not like something I’ve ever known. I can’t wait to do it forever.
Waking up with you again, heading out to the parks for the day. Riding roller coasters, walking around with my Jack and Coke in my hand. Kissing you and tasting rum. Everyone telling me happy birthday because, like a five year old, I wanted my Disney button. Holding your hand.
Petting the goats and donkey. The pigs. The cow. The lambs. Watching the tiger. Giggling at silly kid’s shows in 3D. My love of dinosaurs.
Dinner and a movie. At the same time. We’ve never gone to a movie together. How it affected me and I didn’t even realize it.
Driving to the next park and squealing with excitement to see .38 Special play. They are so old, but they still sound amazing. The cold rain and the bright blue umbrella. Pierogis and kielbasa. The Polish in me so excited for the recognition. So many fireworks. Kissing you under them.
Home again. In bed. Exhausted and overwhelmed and so in love with you. My head on your chest and shoulder, your lips against my forehead.
Then it was morning. You kissed me goodbye and went to work. I packed and headed out for the long trip home.
The road collapses and fallen trees and flooding rivers made my trip almost impossible. The down and out bridges and trying to make it home before dark so that I could see when the roads were washed out. Driving through Fayetteville and Lumberton in the dark, always aware that there may be a place where there is no road. Keeping you calm on the other end of the phone as ten hours turned into twelve and then fourteen.
Fifteen hours later I walked into our home. I was too tired to understand any of the last three days.
I’ve had time to think. To process. Driving through that was scary and I’m glad I didn’t tell you in great detail what it was like until later. Understanding that I might not have made it home.
My ring and everything it means. What it symbolizes. I don’t like to take it off. It is beautiful, just like you.
Yes, I’ll marry you. And I’d do it all over again without hesitation.
Thank you for my birthday. It was perfect, just like you for me.
You are my happily ever after.
There needs to be something more than “I love you”. I do love you and I love you so much. With every fiber of my being. With everything that I am or ever will be. But that only scratches the surface. Barely.
It’s insane how much I love you. I love you physically, emotionally, spiritually. I love everything about you. After more than two years together, you’d think it would start to plateau, that something you do would annoy me, grate on my nerves. There’s literally nothing. There’s nothing that I would change about you.
I know you worry about the distance between us. The physical distance. Six hundred and seventy eight miles from our door to where you are. I also know that I have never been as in tune, as in sync, as in touch with another person in my life. It’s so strong. I can’t begin to imagine what it will be like when we are together. In our bubble. In the same space.
I don’t want anything or anyone else. It’s never even crossed my mind. I miss you like crazy, but I know every week apart, every night, every hour, will be more than worth it.
I know that you are my one. Pikachu, I choose you. You are the love of my life, my everything, my happily ever after, my dream come true, my partner, my best friend, and I can’t wait for you to be my wife.
You are the greatest thing I have ever known. You make me feel like a princess, a queen, that I’m on top of the world, that I can do anything, accomplish anything, everything, as long as you are by my side. As long as you love me.
You are my everything, my love. And I don’t want it any other way.
I love you.
I thought I would take my lunch break at work to write you a letter. Things have been crazy and hectic and exhausting here and you’ve got family visiting there, so now is as good a time as any to tell you how I feel.
I miss you so much. I remember the first few months that you were gone that I tried so hard never to say those words. At least not to stay them first. I was afraid that if I did, if I said them too often, you would pack up and come home. I didn’t want to influence you in any way.
I could have driven to Florida at any time in December when you first got there, but I was terrified that seeing me might be too much and that you’d want to come back with me. I waited until February, when I thought you were pretty locked in to come see you. When you couldn’t possibly come home with me.
That was the hardest four months of my life. Harder than anything else I’ve ever done, hands down.
I listened to everyone ask me why I let you leave, why I didn’t ask you to stay and all I could say was, “because she would have”. I don’t know how to make them understand that this is bigger than me. That you needed this.
But maybe I did too.
This distance had forced us to talk. It’s made me be open and honest and face some of those demons that make it impossible to sleep without the lights on. I’ve had to tell you my greatest fears and hopes and dreams. It’s made me so grateful for something as simple as holding your hand or being able to kiss your cheek, something I think most couples take for granted.
There really hasn’t been a time in my life where I was really, truly single, but there have been many, many times that I was alone. Even though you are 678 miles away, easily twelve lifetimes, I never feel alone with you.
You may not be physically right here with me, but you are in the spaces between my heartbeats and the pauses between my breaths. I meet you every night in my dreams and I hold you again.
We’ve been together for quite some time now, but it only grows stronger. Exponentially daily.
For all of those reasons and more, I am struggling. I am not good at asking for help, but I am learning.
I don’t want to be selfish. I want you to have this time. I want you to go and do. I want you to wander. I want you to be happy and explore and play. I want you to do what your heart and soul need.
For all of these reasons and more, I feel selfish. I am fantasizing about a time when l can wake up and bring you breakfast in bed. When I can lean over and kiss the tip of your nose in that way that makes it wrinkle any time I want. When you are close enough that I can take your hand in mine and confess my love to you while meeting your eyes. When I can write sweet words in books of poetry and leave them for you to find.
Help me. Help me not be selfish.
I love you so much.
It’s 678. I checked. Ten hours.
We’re so far apart. Physically speaking. But I’ve never felt closer to another human being in my life. I’ve never felt that someone understood me the way I think you do.
You’re so far from me. It’s not a twenty-minute drive to get to you. I can’t stop by the restaurant and have a drink at the bar and watch you clean up the kitchen. I can’t wait for you to get out of work and kiss you hello. I can’t run to see you on my lunch break and share a quick meal with you while you’re waiting on your food truck. You’re not fresh out of the shower and dozing on our bed, waiting for me.
And I’ve never felt more secure. I’ve never felt what I feel for you. I thought I loved you before you set out on this great adventure. I had no idea.
I love you more now than I ever have. I drove ten hours to see you for one day and then drive ten hours back. I barely remember either drive, but I remember every second of being near you. Being in your bubble. Walking around Epcot holding hands in the sun, the flowers, the smell, the pizza.
I’ll never forget how good the pepperoni was on my half and how you couldn’t stop eating it. How you moved them around on my side to make it less obvious that you’d eaten so much of it. How you offered me your prosciutto and I laughed and
confessed I’d already eaten some. How it took me thirty seconds to eat two slices.
I’ll never forget the rides you took me on. Our cruise through Mexico. What it was like to learn and just enjoy being by your side, my hand in yours. Watching you watch me enjoying the flowers. I love flowers. How allergic you are to all of it and how you insisted that we stay anyway.
I loved dinner with you. How good that sweet tea was when they made it correctly. Like home. How wonderful it was to have your hand on my thigh as we drove around. What it was like to wander around with you at all hours, enjoying the cool night air.
How magnificent it was to make love to you three different times in those 28 hours. How fantastic you feel. How you always feel like coming home. I love your mouth, always so warm and inviting. The way your lips feel against mine. The goosebumps I get when you bite. How silky and smooth your tongue is.
I would walk those 678 miles to be in your arms again. Gladly.
Marry me. Make me feel this way forever.
Today you sent me a message that made me stop and think. It made me wonder what you think my role is.
You said that it’s hard, that I have to work, that I take care of the house, that I handle everything and still put up with you.
You apologized for it being this way and said that you know that I want it to be different. That you are trying.
I just want you to know that it’s not hard.
I work, but I really love my job. I love the people I work with. This job is challenging in a way that I’m not familiar with and there’s so much to learn. I’ve never bored. I meet all kinds of people. I solve problems. I help others realize and protect their dreams.
I do take care of the house. I put up things that remind me of you. I clean. I keep our bed made. I love taking care of the home I want to share with you. Not necessarily these walls, but the idea that we share a home. I can’t wait until the weather warms and I can get into the yard, planting beautiful flowers that remind me of you.
I handle what needs to be handled. It doesn’t matter if it’s a sick kid, the dog, or some other chaotic event. That’s always something going on. I paint a new sign for your mother’s thrift store. I make sure everything is organized. But you help. You text and call the kids. I’m not doing this alone. You’re there for me when I need to vent about something that is frustrating me. You patiently listen when I start my period and fall apart over every little thing. I couldn’t do this without you.
I don’t put up with you, my love. You are my everything. Being with you has been the supreme pleasure in my life. I would do absolutely anything for you. I don’t put up with you, honey. I choose you. Every day. I only want you. You and your demons.
Please don’t apologize for the way things are. They are exactly how they are supposed to be. I don’t want them, or you, to be any different. I’ve known I wanted you long before you knew I existed. I wanted you the first time our eyes met. I’ve wanted you since that first real kiss on your red couch. I know that this isn’t forever. Even if it was, I would choose you. And this.
You told me the other night that you went into this aware of what you were getting into. That you knew I would only be in your life part time. That you would have to let me go and trust that I would come back. But my priorities changed. I changed everything in my life to be with you. I’m not sorry. I don’t regret anything. I am happier than I’ve ever been. I wouldn’t change anything about what we are.
And that goes both ways. I’ve always known you were leaving. I’ve always known there would be times that hundreds, thousands of miles would separate our bodies. I chose you. I chose you even though I understood that there would be times that I would have to let you go and trust that you would return to me.
I chose you knowing that there may come a time when you fall in love with a strange, faraway place and decide not to come home to me. That having no responsibilities and taking care of only yourself would be more appealing than having to deal with a wife and kids at home.
I chose you with the understanding that, although I would never, ever, ask you to choose, you may one day decide that your career is too important. That you don’t ever want to settle down. That your love of travel and adventure might one day outweigh your love for me.
I didn’t go into this blind. I knew what I was signing up for. That there would be times when I would do things without my plus one. I’m not sorry. I don’t want anything different. I don’t want it to be different. I want things just as they are.
I just want you. Just the way you are.
Happy Valentine’s Day, my love. I wish I were with you.
I miss your lips against mine. I miss the way your lips are always willing to part for mine. The way your mouth is always so warm, so willing, so wet. I know your mouth better than I know my own. My only regret from my trip to see you last week is that I didn’t kiss you more. That I didn’t spend every available second with my hands in yours, my mouth on yours.
The time together was exactly what we needed. The time to reaffirm everything we’ve talked about for months. To slide back into our roles together and to find that we are still a perfect fit.
Now we face a different challenge. We had gotten accustomed to our schedule of talking despite our opposite shifts. We were used to missing each other. But we spent that time together and now we must start all over. We have to re-learn how to cope with the distance.
But we face other challenges as well. Some I can help with. One I cannot.
Here’s a unique perspective for you: If you love me so much that it doesn’t matter what we do together, doesn’t it stand to reason that any job you take won’t suck simply because you’ll come home to me? I won’t let you take some job that makes you miserable or keeps you bored. We’ll do whatever we have to to keep it interesting. When I say that I don’t want you to ever be bored with me, I mean every facet of your life. I don’t ever want you to settle. I want to encourage you to grow.
We’ve learned we can handle the distance. If this job or something similar keeps you away for two more years, we’ll just figure out a visitation schedule. One three day weekend every third month. Whatever it takes. The time after won’t feel nearly as hopeless if we know we’ll do it again.
And here’s a secret: If you love Florida so much, I’ll start making plans to move there with you, if that’s what you want. I got my licenses and took a job that I can move anywhere. And I did it on purpose. If you decide you love it there and want to stay, all you have to do is ask and I’ll be there. I’ll make it work.
The last challenge is the hardest because I cannot help you. I can’t tell you what to do or say or how to make it easier. I can ask for your permission to step in and explain myself, but I know you don’t want that. All I can say is that I trust you. I’m right here for whatever you need, even if that need is for me to do nothing.
I love you so much, babycakes. I mean it when I say that you are my everything.
I can’t wait to kiss you again
You are my everything and
And everything in between.
I love you and
That is the beginning
And the end
I can’t wait to touch you again
My one and only.
You are my sunshine
And my moon
And I love you more than
All of the stars.
You are the beginning
And the end
Of my Universe.
I can’t wait to hold you again
I love you the way the ocean
Loves the shore.
Constantly hugging and
Caressing the shoreline.
You are the crash of my wave
And the swell that comes back
I can’t wait to make love to you
You are the heartbeat
Inside of me.
You are the contraction and
The relaxation of the muscle
In my chest
That keeps me alive.
You are my heart
You are the laugh lines
On my face
And the creases
Around my smile.
You are my everything
Every beat of my heart is
Every breath that I draw is
Every happy tear that rolls down
My face is
I am yours.
I want nothing
I am yours.