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Dear Caroline,
Since I’ve last written you, I’ve finally achieved my degree. I don’t know what I’ll do with a degree in Criminal Justice and Criminology, but it has been a goal of mine to complete for a long time. I thought that when I finished this round of education that, except for the $25,000 that I owe in student loans, that my stress level would decrease. I dreamed about all of the extra time that I would have to nurture the nonprofit, the things I could grow on my own, my hobbies, and the time I would be able to spend with the family. No more missed game nights because I had a paper due or a final to complete.
I thought I would have more time to talk with you, spend time with you, nurture and love you better. I kept telling myself that I would be able to make up for all the times that I couldn’t handle any more stress with everything going on over the last year. And now here we are: a pandemic.
The last two months with you and the kids home all day, every day, has been amazing. It’s time I never thought we would get to have. The four years that we spent apart I thought we would never get back, that your relationship with the children wouldn’t be as strong, that even though you and I had years to work on learning to communicate and asking for what we were missing, we would have some bumps, but nothing that we couldn’t overcome.
I realized last night when I couldn’t sleep again that I’m not there. And again this afternoon.
I laid in bed next to you while you were sleeping crying. I struggled to find the right words to explain to you what I am feeling.
The last year or so has been incredibly difficult. I believe that you and I are capable of handling anything together as long as we are able to communicate. But now I’m stuck.
I don’t know how to tell you that I miss being intimate with you. I miss sex with you, but I also miss cuddling, kissing, stroking, hand holding. You say that your self-image is why you don’t want to. I understand. I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. I don’t want you to go through the motions when you aren’t feeling it or feel like you are obligated to perform “wifely duties”. At the same time, I don’t know how many more nights I can take care of it myself while you snore gently next to me. I don’t know how to not need you. I need you emotionally, mentally, and physically. Especially now. Right now we are separated from everyone else in the world, in our circle, in our families. I need you more than ever and you need me less.
I need to be intimate and close with you. After everything I’ve dealt with in my life, my parental and abandonment issues, mental and physical abuse, sexual abuse, I choose you. I trust you. I am struggling and you don’t need me.
I needed you last night. I needed you to be close to me, to love me. I don’t know that I am ready to deal with the imminent death of our first grandchild – the one I’ve never met. I’m becoming anxious not only at the thought of leaving the house, but of you leaving the house. I am struggling with you going back to work. I am terrified that something will happen to you and that you will leave me too.
I try to make up for the connection that I miss with you. I lay in bed next to you and try to take care of my own needs but it’s not enough to be near you, to be next to you. It leaves me empty, hollow, and sad. And when you roll away from me, it’s more than I can bear.
I missed you this morning. It was the second night in a row that I’ve been unable to sleep until 5 AM and when you and Dee left at 7:30 this morning for the farmers’ market, I would have been totally incoherent if you’d tried to talk to me. Matthew met me at 9:30 with a cup of coffee while Brandon and I attempted to set up a meeting to purchase a used washer and dryer since ours are leaking and broken, respectively and we have a hole in the laundry room floor from water damage, soaked wood, mold, and I’m not even sure what else yet until we start the demo.
I missed you this afternoon. You came in from the market, dropped your bags, picked up the dryer and moved it into the house, laid down for 10 minutes and headed out the door for work. I listened to what you said last week and tried to be supportive of Brandon, understanding that he can only visit with the kids briefly right now and that he is battling his own demons after our divorce. I got a quick kiss on your dash to the car.
I texted you at work to tell you that I miss you. In response, you said that you missed me too and that you had forgotten to pick up our CSA box and asked if I could do it. I tried to text you back, but you called. And asked to speak to our daughter. You asked her to pick up our order and hung up without speaking to me again. I’ve picked up my phone a dozen times since then to tell you that I miss you and I love you, but I am afraid that you’ll miss what I’m telling you again.
Instead, I’ll wait right here for you to come home and when I tell you that I miss you and try to be affectionate, listen to you tell me that your phone didn’t go off, that I didn’t text or call you, and that you don’t feel like you are needed. Then I’ll take a bath and try to focus on my self-care. I’ll try to take care of myself because I need you.
What I need from you is simple: I need you.
Love,
Stacy