anniversary, anxiety, being home, come home to me, coming out, depression, Disney, distance, engagement, gay, growing old, happily ever after, hopes and dreams, I miss you, it gets better, lesbian, long distance relationships, love letters, marry me, missing you, relationships, romance, sex, soul mates, soul searching, starting over, suicide, taking care of you, tears, wedding
I know it’s been awhile. The move to Seattle really rocked my world. I’ve tried to write you a couple of times but it’s been so much, so overwhelming, that I end up not writing at all.
I miss you. I’ve missed you for so long. It feels like it’s always been this way and sometimes I forget that it’s been two years. Like everything for us, it’s simultaneously always and just yesterday.
I can’t believe we just celebrated our third anniversary.
I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since my last Orlando trip, my birthday at Disney, since you gave me my ring.
I can’t believe you left for Washington almost six months ago. The distance is hard. The time zones harder.
I can’t believe I flew to the West Coast for the first time in my life. Or that I’ve seen mountains. Really really big mountains. Or that the trees are so different.
I can’t believe we drank almost that whole bottle of Jack.
Sometime I’m going to have to write you and tell you all about that trip. How amazing it was.
I’ve been thinking about you all day. Thinking about the next chapter. What it will be like to have you home. Really home. Home in a way we’ve never been home before. I’m scared. Terrified. And so very excited. Even if it’s only for a little while. I just want the opportunity.
Then I started thinking about where I would be without you. I know I tell you all the time that I would be lost without you, but I don’t know that I’ve ever really explained to you what that means. I’ll try.
Without you I would be contemplating suicide. I was so unhappy. Unhappy with where I was in my life, unhappy with myself. There were times that I would look in the mirror and cry because I wasn’t sure how I ended up here. How I ended up married to a man again, trying so hard to make it okay. To be anything other than what I am. To make others comfortable.
Without you I would still not enjoy sex. I would lay there, feeling awkward, exposed, and used. Even by my husband. I would cry quietly when it was over, hating myself for doing it, going through the motions, wondering why I couldn’t enjoy it like everyone else. Wondering what was wrong with me.
Without you I wouldn’t be comfortable in my skin. Or in heels and dresses. So many years of mistrust and lies and devastation. I would still be trying to find my place, unwilling to be the pretty, feminine girl in case I draw too much of the wrong attention. The kind where no doesn’t mean no and stop means keep trying because I’ll give in eventually to prove a point to myself and society.
You gave me my life. You helped me learn to enjoy the most intimate moments two people can share. You helped me find myself.
Every day I learn more about what I like. Sometimes you ask me questions and I don’t know the answer because no one’s ever asked me.
How do you thank someone for that? How do I thank you for saving my life?
How do I thank you for walking out to the table? For your smile, that grin that makes me melt? For that dark, dark hair that makes my hands ache to be in it? How do I thank you for having those drinks, letting your guard down, for letting me pick you up and take you out?
How do I thank you for not pulling away, for letting me kiss you and turning both of our lives upside down?
I still haven’t found the answer. But I intend to start by sharing your name, taking care of you for the rest of your life, and loving you for the rest of mine.
I can’t wait to make love to you again. It’s been so long since I’ve felt your lips on my skin. Your touch, so light and teasing at first, becoming more insistent with every passing moment. They way you know how and where to touch me to drive me wild.
I can’t wait to feel you again. To feel your creamy white thighs around me. So strong and so soft at the same time. I dream about them, you know. To watch the way the muscles in your body move, whether you’re on top of me or underneath me. I can’t wait to stroke your back, pull you down or up to me, to dig my nails into your flesh again.
I can’t wait to hear your breathing change. I can’t wait to hear it speed up until it seems that you’re gasping for air. When it catches in your throat and you forget to breathe for what seems like endless moments. To feel your heart beat so rapidly under my hand.
I can’t wait to feel your fingers in my mouth again. The way they stroke my tongue. What it feels like to wrap my lips around them. What it does to me to have you inside me.
I can’t wait to taste you again. The taste of your mouth. Your skin. Every part of you. I want to kiss every inch of you, to memorize every freckle, every wrinkle, every fold of skin. I want to know your body better than I know my own.
I want to bring you to the brink of orgasm over and over without letting you fall. I want to tease you for hours. I want to drown in you.
I want to feel you completely wrapped around me, pushing me, pulling me. Twisting and writhing under me, my hands, my tongue, my body.
I know what it all feels like and I want to know over and over again. I want to hear your words in my ears before I cover your mouth with mine.
It’s been too long, my love. I can’t wait to make love to you again.
I miss you. I’ve never missed anyone so much in my life. You’re busy and handling all kinds of day to day stuff and I’m trying to be patient and wait my turn for time with you. I’ve been spoiled for too long. I’ve seen you more and more in the last two months and now the withdrawal is killing me.
Missing you is exactly like withdrawal. My heart beats too fast, my hands shake, I worry and I wonder and I can’t take a deep breath. You are like my air. Without you, I can’t breathe.
I’m trying to take a step back. I’m trying to give you the space you need to do the things you need to do before you leave. I know your life is hectic and crazy. I know I miss the time we spent together in your room.
I miss the wood paneling and the sea breeze and the sound of the ocean through the open window. I miss the fresh flowers on your nightstand or dresser or desk. The ones I brought you to remind you that I love you. I miss the rain in the windows and the sound of the storms raging outside. I miss the chill in the air and how you feel next to me, snuggled up and warm. I miss your soft snores and the sound of your breathing and the way you wrap yourself around me when you sleep. When you’re relaxed and you let go and drift off in my arms.
I miss the way you kiss me. I miss the feel of your lips on mine. I miss the way your hands feel on my body. I miss the way you feel. I miss you.
It’s only temporary.
I love you.