, , , , , , , , ,

Dear Caroline,

I can’t express how happy I was to share our bed for a night. Sundays truly are my favorite day. We haven’t shared our bed in eight very long months.

In light of the recent Orlando tragedy, I find myself more afraid than ever. It’s not because you’re right around the corner from where it happened (although you are), not because I’m worried about you being able to take care of yourself (you certainly can), and not really because sometimes I forget that people hate us because we love each other. It’s more and deeper than that.

I feel that I have struggled to fit in, tried to do  things the “right” way, tried to deal with my feelings privately and quietly and in such a way as not to upset or offend anyone, kept my preferences quiet, and been unhappy for most of my life and all of my adult life, if I’m completely honest.

I’m terrified of losing you. I’m so afraid that now that I’ve found you, you can be taken from me. In an instant, everything I’ve ever wanted in another human being, all these feelings I’ve never had before, all the things I didn’t know I wanted, can change. It can disappear. We can be in a perfectly safe place together and it can be gone.

You’re right. We have limited time together in this life. Maybe we’ll find each other sooner and love each other longer in the next life. I just know that I will never stop looking for you.

I’ve spent this week in tears. At first, I thought it was because I miss you so much. I do miss you. I miss you terribly, but I don’t think that’s why. I think I just realized that our time is limited. What that really means. Even if we did celebrate our 75th wedding anniversary, it wouldn’t be enough. I don’t think it will ever be enough. I will never be able to get enough of you.