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Dear Caroline,

I’ve spent much of the last very hectic week trying to put into words last weekend. I cannot begin to explain how it felt to go through a quiet Saturday morning, having coffee, getting my nails done, texting you, and expecting to spend my Saturday evening quietly, filing taxes, doing laundry, picking up the house.

I value our time together. I love that we make time for each other, no matter how busy our schedules are.

I never, in a million years, saw myself sitting on the couch while you walked in the front door.

I can’t begin to explain the emotions that overwhelmed me. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t cry or laugh. I could only stand there, dumbfounded, and stare at you. I wanted to cry. I felt the tears behind my eyelids. I laughed. I held your face in my hands and whispered “How long?” But the answer didn’t really matter. I would have been happy if you’d walked back to the car without saying another word.

It was a short visit. A few hours Saturday night, two hours Sunday afternoon and then your ten hour drive back.

It was an emotional visit. Deeply. Seeing you in our space. Laying with you, curled up and cuddling in our bed, on our pillows, in our room, the tears finally came. So many of them. Seeing you look around to the stuff I’ve added just for you that you’ve only ever seen in photos. It was so much. We cried. We kissed and laughed and cried, holding on to each other in our bed.

You spent the next couple of hours showing me things that few people have ever seen. Letting me in. Letting me help and try to heal those old wounds. I am forever grateful for those hours. I learned so much.

You took me to meet your father and you didn’t want me to take my rings off. The silly rings that I wear to keep everyone else at a distance because my heart and soul are taken. I understood more about you in those hours that you showed me where you came from.

We watched a movie, my hand in yours, you constantly touching and caressing my rings, my head on your shoulder. I watched your eyes shift to my hand on numerous occasions. Always straightening and adjusting them.

I always wear them now, you know. The silver finish is almost completely gone. But I can’t bring myself to take them off for more than a few minutes since you touched them.

We kissed goodbye when you dropped me off, but you didn’t come in. If you had, you wouldn’t have left. We both knew it.

Sunday morning was the best.

I couldn’t stop smiling. I got the kids home early to see you without telling them why. I wish you could have seen their faces when they realized it was you walking up the driveway. I was terrified all three of you would tumble down the stairs with the way they fought to be in your arms.

We had Christmas. They brought your stocking and we gave you our small gifts. Then you gave me a great one. A bag of clothes to put in your dresser. I hung your chef coats next to my dresses in our closet.

We spent a lazy two hours playing with the kids, sitting on the couch, holding hands and kissing. Family time.

We packed you into your car and wished you safe travels. We hugged and kissed you. It did us all a world of good to be together, even for a short time.

This too shall pass.

Thank you. Thank you for loving us that much.

Love,
Stacy

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