, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Caroline,

As this new year starts, I can’t help but think of last year this time. Remembering our road trip and how nervous I was being in the car with you. How much fun we had. Sitting on the couch at my father’s, sneaking a kiss at midnight, shopping for new jeans for you, holding hands.

I’m not sure where I thought I’d be in a year. I know that this year has taught me so much. I’m more in love with you now than ever. I know exactly what I want and how I want it. I can only hope you’re as comfortable as I am with it.

I remember asking you last year what you wanted. You said “You”. I’ve tried my very best to give you just that. Me. All of me. I didn’t expect things to progress as quickly as they did, but it’s okay.

I’ve tried to give you everything I have. What I can’t give away I’ll share with you.

I’ve come out to my entire family, something I never, ever thought I’d do. My love for you has given me the strength to really be who I am. To be completely comfortable in my skin. With who I am. Something I never thought I’d find. I’ve found nothing but love and support there, for myself as well as you. I hope you know that. That we have an entire cheering section devoted to us.

I’m happy. Our situation hasn’t ever been easy. We’ve made it work, no matter what. The distance between us is great, physically, but I’ve never felt closer to anyone else in my life. You know things about me that I’ve never told anyone. Things that might explain more about me and why I’m the way I am. You know things that I might never have told you under ordinary circumstances. And I’m sure the reverse is true. This great distance has caused us to talk and be open and honest with each other, something we both might have avoided in another situation.

I am grateful every day for the chance to love you. I am grateful every day that I wake up knowing you love me and us. I don’t know that I can ever explain the depth of my love to anyone but you. You who understands what I mean when I don’t know.

I am grateful for all you’ve taught me and all you’ve given me, even when you don’t feel like it’s much of anything. I’m never alone. I’m not doing this by myself.

But God, I can’t wait to hold you again.